Invaders

We do not belong here.

We are foreigners in a space closed to us.

We are trespassers in a sphere which didn't invite us.

We do not belong here.

There was already tension between groups.

How was this allowed to happen?

Why was this possible?

Who made this happen in this way?

I know this space.

I am not a foreigner here.

But right here right now,

I am equally a stranger as the rest of us.

We are invaders.

We are invaders.

We are invaders.

We  tread upon ground which does not exist for us.

We smother the life which was here before us.

We disrupt the natural flow of those here.

I am an invader.

I am an invader.

I am an invader.

We have tied hands?

We have limited resources?

We have bridges to build?

Then we untie our hands.

Then we fight for our resources in full.

Then we build bridges together...

And not color our own perspective on the matter.

Notes to Myself

Remember to be Human.

Remember people have a limbic system.

Remember everyone's brain works differently.

Watch your back.

Watch your back for yourself,

That is, mind yourself.

You aren't always particularly nice.

Take what people tell you seriously.

Take judgment passively.

Take opinions with a grain of salt.

Take warnings as consequences.

Shut up sometimes.

Stop speaking.

Listen.

Observe.

Absorb.

Find a new mode.

There has to be more than two.

Go find the quiet one.

Wierd Things about Me

I try to get my sock tan the hardest line possible.

I lust over my own visible tan lines.

I use high SPF sunscreen (85+) and still tan pretty quick.

I like my scars.

I mentally collect scars from accidental scratches (up to three currently).

I regularly re-scar my hand pole vaulting.

~Occupational hazard~

I habitually pick off scabs to leave a scar.

I like my stretch marks.

They stripe the top of my legs down to my knees.

They remind me of the okapi.

I draw up my longer necklace when vaulting.

~It would get in the way otherwise~

I like when the necklaces' pendants clink.

It feels like wearing a dog tag.

I bite my nails obsessively.

One finger has half the nail-bed exposed;

At this point it'd be weird to have the full nail.

I'm a packrat.

I keep odd bits of things for future use.

I have multiple stashes of trinkets collected over the years.

Twist ties are great for future cord organization.

Bait and Switch

<Describe it.>

It's a switch, not a mask.

<What's the trigger?>

When someone messes with me...

It's hard to explain...

If I don't have a reason to use restraint,

By default I won't.

Call it predator mode?

Once I switch into it, that's it;

I have tunnel-vision.

I'm not trying to hurt the person,

I only intend to dish back an unpleasant consequence.

<How do you know when you switch back?>

<How are you able to switch back?>

My conscience tells me when enough is enough.

Otherwise I would continue until my body gave out.

I keep a trickle of rational;

It pulls me back to person mode.

Missing You

Imagine working two months on a 9,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.

You finish the puzzle, except for one missing piece...

You're able to get the missing piece from the maker,

But it will be two weeks to get the piece…

For two weeks you always think about getting the piece.

You can function, complete the day's tasks,

But your inner thoughts are only about the piece.

It is the first thing you think about waking up,

And the last thing you think falling asleep.

If you're a dreamer, you find the piece in your dreams.

You dream the moment of getting the piece;

You dream the act of completing the puzzle.

You are the missing piece.

Missing you feels like an eternity.

At first the feeling was strong enough to show in my eyes.

A few days pass and it dulls to white-noise.

I can ignore it when necessary but it's always there.

Then finally the noise turns into anticipation.

Term draws near.

I bide time till we're together again.

Sorrow and Failure, Violence and Anger

<I'm supposed to be better, but I can't give sorrow and failure the slip...>

I'm supposed to be the sane one,

But my demons are too lethal to acknowledge outright.

I could harness my demon to cause irreversible damage

~I've never used it~

Despite all the normal emotions I feel,

I know what I am capable of.

~perhaps not physically kill~

~rather, figure out how to destroy the spirit~

Sometimes I feel broken 

Because everyone I've been close to gets hurt,

Always an accident, always because I rough-play by instinct.

~a reflex-swipe to the face~

~a near-broken wrist~

I've learned to always guard myself,

Always calculate my movements.

Violence and anger or excitement and energy,

They are all the same in expression.

A trip on wheels with the wind in my face and burning through my muscles:

That is my path away, but it always catches up.

...So it goes as the chase continues.

We all have our demons.

We all have the capacity to tame them.

They remind us how to feel.

Our demons make us who we are.

There. Just There.

<What's on your mind?>

I am at a stalling point.

I want to help but there's only so much I can do.

<Then do it.>

I am. I know I'm doing everything I can.

I wonder if this is what dads feel like when their kids are being born...

They sit and watch the pain-show, but are unable to help mitigate.

They're just there.

My hands are tied.

I can't do anything but exist and hope that's enough.

<I think it's enough.>

<Remember it's the little things.>

I wish I was more aware.

<You noticed and responded.>

<You didn't have reason to think otherwise at first.>

<You did good.>

Cliff Jumping

If my brain was a disc,

It has slowed so much it is now running backwards.

The last time I reached a cliff hanger marked an end.

This cliff jump marks a beginning.

I keep flashing back to the jump moment,

And then I feel a tingle around my stomach.

It's like when my arms break into goose bumps,

Except the goose bumps are electrified with a gentle current.

Then a smile slips across my eyes;

I laugh to myself, though no one perceives why.

I could play that moment infinitely.

I go to sleep and the phantom senses flit through my mind.

Even asleep I must be catching glimpses of the phantoms.

And I wake up and realize I am straight as a circle.

I am so gay. And that is fine. I am just me.

Taking a Shot in the Dark

Patience paid off after all.

And now I have added to my knowledge.

You don't need to know what you're doing.

You only need to be aware of what you're doing.

You don't need to do the obvious.

Be creative and you can get to where you want.

Touch does not have to be there or there.

You can avoid those altogether and still get off the ground.

Now you've taken the shot.

Your shot found its target.

All in the dark.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Tried out some experimental writing for class:

I am microscopic.

She was marginalized.

I live in the multi-species home of lichen.

She lived in the multi-faced home of America.

2011

I am a natural wonder.

When the going gets tough, I hide in cryptobiosis.

I can survive extreme temperatures – hot and cold.

I can survive high radiation.

My name: Tardigrade, aka the Water Bear.

1864

She was a medical milestone.

She was in first African-American woman to earn an M.D.

She fought racism.

She fought sexism.

She took her knowledge to the health needs of those previously enslaved.

We know nothing about her except what is in her book – A Book of Medical Discourses

Her name: Rebecca Lee Crumpler

Stay Today Because Forever is a Lie

I need you.

I don't care if you think otherwise,

Because I need you.

And I know your family needs you.

Your family is the biggest thing to you.

You are the biggest thing to your family.

Never forget that.

Derek needs you.

Derek loves you.

He knows all about you, even things I don't know,

And he befriends you just the same.

Derek is there for you in time of need.

Derek loves you.

Derek needs you.

I know the moment feels like eternity.

You wake up every day and feel like the world is against you.

You wake up and feel like there is nothing to wake up for.

You wake up only because you cannot sleep forever.

And there's a voice telling you there is a way to sleep forever.

There is a voice telling you there is an option...

One considered by many and taken by some.

I've traveled to that door.

My mind wandered to that door, even touching the handle.

But then I remembered the good things.

I remembered why life is worth living, why my life is worth living.

This feeling...this moment... is not forever.

Any thing that says otherwise is lying.

You can solve this.

You can get past this moment.

I believe you will come away from this strong.

I believe in you.

Derek believes in you.

We believe you are more than this feeling.

You will stay. We believe in you.

In the Dark

<It’s your problem not theirs.>

Yeah I know. Still bothersome though.

<Well suck it up because you're okay.>

I wish I was still in the dark.

<But you're not.>

<That was your past choice.>

<So it's time to live with it.>

I know I know.

Patience patience always patience.

Time for you to go away.

<Always watching though.>

Ocean

I'm alone on a small boat in a vast ocean.

I'm at peace.

All I can do is look out and smile.

It's so beautiful I can't find the words to capture what I think.

The ocean rolls around me;

I watch as the waves come ever higher up the sides of my craft.

I am not scared. I trust I won't be sunk.

The waves break over the side of my boat.

It's playing with me, so I return the fun.

We ended in a good-natured splash battle.

I'm tempted to abandon the ground.

I want to dive into the water.

But I don't.

I don't understand the ocean enough for that;

It does not understand me enough.

It would not be safe for either of us.

So no. I stay grounded.

The night is well upon us.

I want to stay here tonight, in the peace of the waves.

But no.

I know it would be a problem in hindsight.

So I leave.

I return to the civilized world.

I leave behind the place of peace.

I know it's not the last time I'll be there.

I'll bide my time in patience.

Excitement, Nerves, and New Moves

We're in a dark corridor with a mob passing.

We're standing together, leaning on each other.

Next we're in the open.

Together we move to music.

Quick. Sneaky. Shy.

I caught them all. I noticed every time.

You were excited. 

You were fearless.

We played the dance. 

We gamed our own show.

We don't need extras to enjoy life.

<You make me want to be fearless.>

You're already fearless. You just keep it for certain moments,

And I admire your use of discretion.

<You're....GAH.>

You're perfect. Always be you.

<We're too gay to function. Send help.>

Haha well yes that's true,

So let's figure out how to function together.

The Biochemical Highs (and lows)

Cortisol. Adrenaline. Oxytocin. All natural.

They all change your state of mind.

They all have a signature trigger and post effect.

Cortisol

Anticipation and stress call it in.

I feel energized, but the angry sort.

I am trapped in the energy.

Music matching the flavor is the only relief.

When it returns to normal levels,

Numbness takes over.

It's the numbness that makes you feel drained.

A little time and a little sleep suffice correction.

Adrenaline

Also high-energy, but it's excitement.

You can accomplish anything on this stuff.

I pace around while waiting in line;

It's not my turn but I can't contain myself.

Back to normal and I can physically feel again.

My energy isn't jacked so high,

But there isn't a noticeable low here.

A is special that way.

The worst is the return of physical pain.

It's a small price, usually.

Oxytocin
Oxy is my favorite. I call it happy brain.

It gives the highest highs and the lowest lows.
I'm stuck in a cycle of getting oxi then losing it.

I spend the lows working.

The highs can be enjoyed unimpeded.

When I lose it, I'm numb.

This numb is an odd bliss:

I can't function but I'm content staring in thought.

Then the normal state sets back in...

In comparison to the oxi dose,

It's a pit of despair.

All you want is to get back to the source,

And when you can't, nothing is enough to replace it.

Time away resets the norm.

But a week between findings,

It is enough to fuel the search for the next round.