Complicated

As a younger kid I wanted to grow up.

As a teenager I still want to grow up.

But why does life have to get so complicated?

All I ever wanted was friends and some love.

I see what happens around me.

It's so real, so why does it feel like a game?

I have feelings; its not like I'm dead inside.

So why can I take the perspective of a game?

In elementary school friend problems were tattlers.

In high school friend problems are mistakes made.

So why does everything have to get so complicated?

All I want is to help those in need of someone dependable.

But sometimes screw ups happen.

I see what happens around me.

It's so real, so why does it feel like a game?

I have feelings; its not like I'm dead inside.

So why can I take the perspective of a game?

Yeah I gravitate to the "underdogs".

I think they should see themselves as awesome dogs.

It's never too late to change. Never too late to pick a new course.

And sometimes it's perfect as is.

I see what happens around me.

It's so real, so why does it feel like a game?

I have feelings; its not like I'm dead inside.

So why can I take the perspective of a game?

It's because sometimes feeling is too much.

Sometimes turning it into mere calculations clears my head.

Sometimes I need a different perspective for clarity.

And sometimes I just need to check out.

JM 2.0

Once I hurt a friend without meaning to.

Now I find it happened once more.

Once the hurt went through a brother.

Now the pain went through friends.

But both times, I started it.

I thought we were playing and having fun.

I thought it would end okay.

I was wrong.

I am ashamed.

I am sorry.

I can't unring a bell;

I wish I could.

I hope one day you will forgive me

For accidentally starting a gang up.

I'm going to slip out of your life for now.

But remember, I don't abandon friends.

So should you ask, I will answer.

And I will not forget this happened.

The scar is made.

So I'll be more careful,

Knowing now what I should have known then.

How the Others Grow Up

We learn from society.

"Jonny, when you're about middle school age, 

you'll start to get special feelings for girls."

Or the other option.

"Jane, when you're about middle school age, 

you'll start to get special feelings for boys."

No one tells you how the others grow up.

We have to figure it out ourselves.

I went dumbstruck around this classmate. 

There was something magnetic about her.

I wanted to get to know her, be her friend.

Once we were great friends. 3rd grade.

Of course, this was 6th grade.

I was still innocent and knew nothing helpful.

I tried to befriend her.

We wrote letters to each other for a few weeks.

It was fun, and I thought I had made her my friend.

But then our friendship structure failed.

I don't know what went wrong.

I never did anything.

But I couldn't talk to her anymore easily.

She made me too uncomfortable.

I wanted to make conversation, but fell silent.

Maybe... May..be... I liked her?

No couldn't be, could it?

But I never wanted to kiss her.

I didn't have interested in sex then/knew much about it.

But I did want to be around her.

I wanted her attention.

I was somewhat jealous others got along with her better.

I didn't know what to think.

No one prepares you for it.

You find it yourself.

Distraction

Dislike is easier to feel than sadness.

I'd rather vent about an old wound than listen to a current bruise.

It makes it easier the events are unrelated.

I love home.

What happens when home is suppose to be more than one place?

Home is where the heart is right? Where family is.

No.

Home is where you are comfortable.

It needs no people.

It only needs the feeling.

And right now I'm not there.

So turning my back on sadness,

I confront old feelings yet to be dealt with.

Bad Blood Under Old Scars

Once we were friends.

Once I would take your side till the end.

Once I realized the end is already come and gone.

Used to be I'd never admit this.

Used to be I'd never try to be mean to you.

Used to be is no more.

Now you are just "that straight girl".

Now I don't feel so friendly.

Now I am nice to you for diplomatic reasons.

I've been good, kept you from being ostracized.

I've been nice, kept peace after you fall apart and deal insults.

I've been more than fair, kept your reputation as it is without this information.

You said yourself you're not a good friend sometimes. 

Perhaps it would've been better to tell me to stay away because you rather not hurt me.

But instead you led me on, and I so willingly followed.

Shame on me then.

I did have my own purpose though, it wasn't completely blind.

And I stuck around afterwards,
In part to prove I didn't like you only because I once fell for you.

So I think this is an unofficial goodbye.

Goodbye friend, N.

Residual

It was nice getting to know you a little bit that week.

If we crossed paths more often,

Or even had met sooner,

I bet we could've been excellent friends.

Somewhere in my deeper chambers, I wonder...

What would it be like to really know you?

What would it be like to build our lives together?

-Even if it was temporarily-

Somehow we shared a lot of stories the first night,

Ironically that was the same day we met.

I wonder what would have happened if I was single then too.

Would I had been brave enough to try getting closer?

Would my stories be much different?

What does it matter?

You probably saw me as a sibling or som'n.

Or perhaps still a stranger, not yet a friend.

But now I notice residual thoughts;

I need these out of my mind alone.

Your story was intriguing.

Your mind was complex.

Your art was hypnotizing.

I realized I held you in higher regards then other friends I'd just met.

But it was just temporary.

You left for college.

I stayed not yet finished through high school.

We have lives much different now. 

So I end:

I hope you found someone.

I hope you get to do all you aspire to do.

And I hope we don't forget each other,

Because we had fun hanging out. 

That trip was a blast.

Last minute sleep over.

Getting lost.

Stolen cell phone.

And everything else.

Meanie

Letts put it this way shall we:

I got my butt handed to me more in AP English 3 than anything before.

Yup. Raw truth. I have a lot to learn.

I tried to take it with understanding.

I knew it was for my betterment. 

That didn't stop me from crying.

I am glad it happened though,

Not happy about it, but glad.

See the thing is,

Happiness is transient. Fleeting.

It comes and goes throughout the day.

But at sundown, you can still say you had a good day,

Perhaps because you learned something,

Perhaps because you released a tension,

Perhaps because you have the mindset to believe it.

This Ride

Hold on cuz these days are wild.

One day you'll see it was worth pushing.

Today I see you pulled under:

So I lunge to pull you up;

I pray for you:
that you find peace,
that you become stronger,
that you gain wisdom,
that you see the end. 

Imagine:
you're the big spoon,
 I'll be the smaller..
you can burry you fears, sadness, anything, into me..
I'll hold you safe..
We can be each other's safety posts.

I'd do most anything if it would help. 

Once a friend always a friend. 

No matter how much it is life pulls apart.

You have my word.

And if my words shatters, I regret my choices which led to such.

Tell me how to right the wrong.

I will do it.

Learn to trust me. 

I am unlike those before,

The ones who send "friends" through hell.

Time will show colors.

So hold on cuz this ride is wild.

One day you'll see it was worth pushing.

Today I made a difference for you.


<thank you God for giving me a chance to help>
<help me to show your love>
<show me how to use my tendencies well>

Color Poem

Meet D. T.

Dark Truffle has layers: quiet – never making uproar, peaceful – resolving arguments among friends, private – reserves personal thoughts to their germane situation, and pensive – lost in the gears of the mind and forgetting to speak.

Dark Truffle appears gloomy, but given a chance the warm core can become palpable.

Dark Truffle under dissection reveals a sturdy brown heart under an elusive plum skin.

Dark Truffle is the element Earth – rich soil to grow flourishing gardens.

Dark Truffle's is the character Shrek, which by extension means Dark Truffle is like an onion.

Dark Truffle wears comfortable around-the-house clothes wherever they don’t look obscenely out of place, but when fancy calls Dark Truffle turns strikingly chic – pixie-short hair styled to enhance the eyes, a chocolate toned dress running the length of a slender body.

Dark Truffle slides across flat paths, rolls with hills, and glides over irregular bumps like they’re polished marble. 

Dark Truffle lives alone, but loneliness is avoided through visiting friends.

Dark Truffle sounds like grass rustling  as a choir of crickets chirp.

Dark Truffle cannot play music, so instead music of all types is listened to and appreciated.

Dark Truffle feels silky smooth and refreshingly cool.

Dark Truffle smells like a room out of Willy Wonka’s factory.

Dark Truffle zaps the taste buds with bitterness when eaten without patience but is sweetly satisfying if allowed to melt on the tongue piece by piece.

Dark Truffle is the ellipsis at the end of incomplete thoughts.

Dark Truffle’s texture is smooth like glass yet appears to have a liquid face.

Dark Truffle is the feeling you get after you and a friend fight and reconcile.

Danger of Judgment

When we met I thought poor;

You were nice, sweet, fun.

But you were immature.

I thought bad for this.

You ditched practice,

Fooled around instead of working on skills.

And once you hurt me.

So I learned to see you as a boy,

A fun yet immature boy,

Who was also a jackhole for messing with me.

(granted it was an accident)

But then I went fishing.

I learned a different side.

You broke off something to protect my friend.

You apologized to me.

I learned to see you new;

One conversation made the difference.

And I admitted I was wrong.

(sorry again for misjudging)

So let's go on as friends,

And make some fun and games.

And teach each other to be better.

'round Again

Heart beating with celerity,

Smiles exchanged rapidly.

Already I feel it's come 'round again.

I heard of this one from friends of past,

Now I learn who this one is behind a name mask.

Already I feel it's come 'round again.

Saw this one at lunch the first time.

Stumbled into the same one 24 later.

Quick observations and conversation.

Already I feel it's come 'round again.

The first connection through someone shared,

Then hours of learning each other's ways.

Already I feel it's come 'round again.

The second connection by this one I know.

Perhaps friend is your title; perhaps that is how this one is meant to be.

But already I feel it's come 'round again.

You and me. Me and you. Ready to explore as it comes 'round again.

Apology :(

I hope you can let go of what I said last.

Anger. Frustration. Disappointment.

Sadness. Understanding.

Take your pick. It was all there.

We made up; is it past the point of apologies?

I am sorry I lost my temper

And wrote biting things about/to you.

I was wrong.

I pray you have the patience to try to understand why I snapped.

You should know, as soon as we cleared up the misinterpreted text, any anger there, vanished. Or rather turned inward on myself, because I had just written up something bitter. And then I felt hurt that I used time that way. While I typed my pain out, I noticed I couldn't be exactly mad at you. More accurately...

Frustrated with our circumstances. 

Wishing your parents didn't shoot down your attempts to be a friend.

Wishing I had brushed it off like I have previously.

You asked if I had been angry with you; I said yes – it wasn't that simple. I was wrong to say that too. So I ask you to forgive me, for getting angry, and also for hanging onto the whole matter like this.

Breaking Point

This is the last straw;

I'm tired of flaking,

Because I feel taken for granted,

Always that way when you stand me up.

After tonight it's up to you to hang out.

Apparently control is not in our hands;

No, just my hands.

I've been drowned by you too many times;

Actions speak louder than words right?

So now I let your words dissolve...

Into acid of disappointment.

Let's not be mistaken:

It is out of your control after all,

So perhaps it is unfair to pin the fault on you?

What's that? Oh sorry I was thinking,

Just trying to decide where you stand

In my mental rankings.

Based on feelings, you're in solid ice.

And you should know my feelings well.

Clearly you always meant more to me

Than I do you...

Not that you understand what that's like.

Does this happen to others?

Meaning are you a flake to everyone?

Or is it me only?

Secret

I have something... Information.

But sharing is rather tricky.

How to say and avoid confrontation?

Oh bother, this situation proves sticky.

Okay I'll try to spit it out.

I really am trying alright.

But I seem to be held back by doubt.

What if I wreck a friendship held tight?

If you read this, I hope you'll ask.

Once you know the past will seem clear.

Asking will help peel the long worn mask.

Of course, if not heard, no harm here.

So it is entirely your choice.

Ask and then the answer I shall voice.

Earth to Self

Give it up.

There's nothing for you here.

Move on.

Don't drain yourself.

Enjoy how it is... because it's good.

But forget? NO.

The present is not the future.

A closed door ≠ a locked door.

Save it for another day.

Invest time somewhere better.

Leave the chaos to the wolves.

Walk. Away.