Stay Today Because Forever is a Lie

I need you.

I don't care if you think otherwise,

Because I need you.

And I know your family needs you.

Your family is the biggest thing to you.

You are the biggest thing to your family.

Never forget that.

Derek needs you.

Derek loves you.

He knows all about you, even things I don't know,

And he befriends you just the same.

Derek is there for you in time of need.

Derek loves you.

Derek needs you.

I know the moment feels like eternity.

You wake up every day and feel like the world is against you.

You wake up and feel like there is nothing to wake up for.

You wake up only because you cannot sleep forever.

And there's a voice telling you there is a way to sleep forever.

There is a voice telling you there is an option...

One considered by many and taken by some.

I've traveled to that door.

My mind wandered to that door, even touching the handle.

But then I remembered the good things.

I remembered why life is worth living, why my life is worth living.

This feeling...this moment... is not forever.

Any thing that says otherwise is lying.

You can solve this.

You can get past this moment.

I believe you will come away from this strong.

I believe in you.

Derek believes in you.

We believe you are more than this feeling.

You will stay. We believe in you.

In the Dark

<It’s your problem not theirs.>

Yeah I know. Still bothersome though.

<Well suck it up because you're okay.>

I wish I was still in the dark.

<But you're not.>

<That was your past choice.>

<So it's time to live with it.>

I know I know.

Patience patience always patience.

Time for you to go away.

<Always watching though.>

Ocean

I'm alone on a small boat in a vast ocean.

I'm at peace.

All I can do is look out and smile.

It's so beautiful I can't find the words to capture what I think.

The ocean rolls around me;

I watch as the waves come ever higher up the sides of my craft.

I am not scared. I trust I won't be sunk.

The waves break over the side of my boat.

It's playing with me, so I return the fun.

We ended in a good-natured splash battle.

I'm tempted to abandon the ground.

I want to dive into the water.

But I don't.

I don't understand the ocean enough for that;

It does not understand me enough.

It would not be safe for either of us.

So no. I stay grounded.

The night is well upon us.

I want to stay here tonight, in the peace of the waves.

But no.

I know it would be a problem in hindsight.

So I leave.

I return to the civilized world.

I leave behind the place of peace.

I know it's not the last time I'll be there.

I'll bide my time in patience.

Excitement, Nerves, and New Moves

We're in a dark corridor with a mob passing.

We're standing together, leaning on each other.

Next we're in the open.

Together we move to music.

Quick. Sneaky. Shy.

I caught them all. I noticed every time.

You were excited. 

You were fearless.

We played the dance. 

We gamed our own show.

We don't need extras to enjoy life.

<You make me want to be fearless.>

You're already fearless. You just keep it for certain moments,

And I admire your use of discretion.

<You're....GAH.>

You're perfect. Always be you.

<We're too gay to function. Send help.>

Haha well yes that's true,

So let's figure out how to function together.

The Biochemical Highs (and lows)

Cortisol. Adrenaline. Oxytocin. All natural.

They all change your state of mind.

They all have a signature trigger and post effect.

Cortisol

Anticipation and stress call it in.

I feel energized, but the angry sort.

I am trapped in the energy.

Music matching the flavor is the only relief.

When it returns to normal levels,

Numbness takes over.

It's the numbness that makes you feel drained.

A little time and a little sleep suffice correction.

Adrenaline

Also high-energy, but it's excitement.

You can accomplish anything on this stuff.

I pace around while waiting in line;

It's not my turn but I can't contain myself.

Back to normal and I can physically feel again.

My energy isn't jacked so high,

But there isn't a noticeable low here.

A is special that way.

The worst is the return of physical pain.

It's a small price, usually.

Oxytocin
Oxy is my favorite. I call it happy brain.

It gives the highest highs and the lowest lows.
I'm stuck in a cycle of getting oxi then losing it.

I spend the lows working.

The highs can be enjoyed unimpeded.

When I lose it, I'm numb.

This numb is an odd bliss:

I can't function but I'm content staring in thought.

Then the normal state sets back in...

In comparison to the oxi dose,

It's a pit of despair.

All you want is to get back to the source,

And when you can't, nothing is enough to replace it.

Time away resets the norm.

But a week between findings,

It is enough to fuel the search for the next round.

If

<If you died today would you have regrets?>

I can think of one thing I would regret.

<And?>

Never telling someone I love them...

<So why don't you?>

It feels too soon.

<You could mean Philo...>

But I want to mean Agape when I say it.

<I know you better than anyone;>

<If you'll say it you mean it...>

<Even if not spoken.>

So what is your point?

<Easy, you know exactly what you're feeling.>

So I should speak it aloud?

<Not necessarily.>

<Time and place.>

POLE VAULT

Practice practice practice
Overcome any fears
Love to get high
Everything will fall into place

Variable results

Avoid rejection and crashes

Unlimited risks

Let go but not too soon (or too late)

Tempo makes or breaks

Useless - High Absentminded Utterances Live

I watch time tick by. 

There are pages to read and sleep to greet,

But all I can do is sit and stare.

I have so many thoughts running in a blur,

Yet my mind is empty.

All I can manage is muttered high nothings to myself.

I remember resting my head and hearing a heart pounding.

It pounds so hard I can feel the pulses - and sense the excitement.

~Could you hear it in your head~

~Did you feel like you were racing~

~Were you nervous~

I check myself to see if my heart races as well;

My breathing is stable but it takes a conscious effort.

The moment was perfect,

Time was frozen as we stood

Reading old words and asking new questions.

Don't worry about time. Subjective.

There is no fast or slow,

Only comfortable and uncomfortable.

Stereotypes are overrated, mundane,

So let's forge our own story.

Electrified

Too much energy.

Too much energy to know what to do.

Too much to know how to think.

I can't think straight.

I can't straighten out my feelings.

I can't feel out my intensity.

I wish you were around.

I wish you were around to hold me.

I wish your grip were here to put me to sleep.

Please be able to handle it.

Please be able to open it.

Please be able to control it.

Strung on a live wire...

Clipped by a thread...

Balancing on a razor blade...

Let me jump.

Let me fall.

Let me cut away.

<Stop it>

<Get a grip on yourself.>

<Find some patience.>

<Cut it out.>

Fine.

You always shut me down.

<You always need shut up.>

Motionless

I miss it.

It's been a week.

I crave it.

I've been stuck laying around.

At first it was fine, relaxing even.

But now it's grueling.

At first it was boredom.

All I had to do was entertain myself.

It was only stagnation.

But now...

It's an itch.

It's the tightness in my body.

It's boiling electricity in my veins.

It has to be released.

It can be stagnant no more.

The Twilight Zone

*First stanza and each first line written before going under, the rest was done about ten minutes after waking up.

It's said to be...

Semi consciousness.

You don't remember.

Like sleeping, but not exactly.

It's actually...

Something like a nap.

You don't remember the actual surgery.

It's a bit like a nap.

The aftermath...

Fine motor skills are normal.

Major motor skills are sub par.

You might just be tipsy.

It feels like your moving in slow motion.

Really you just want to sleep some more.

Needless Nerves

Waiting.

Need to kill time. Need to calm excitement.

Sitting in front of light, watching explosions;

It works for some time.

But as the clock ticks that excitement freezes into nervous itch.

Sweaty palms and heat in my face.

What will I say after the story?

[Why do I need a story to start a conversation?]

So I distract myself with string.

I hook organization from chaos.

Gives myself something concrete to see.

But then it's time.

And it's so simple.

Words come <smooth as butter>.

Nerves fall away and leave content.

It was only in my head.

Without even trying, we are intertwining.

Matches

I saw the match.

I found the box.

I touched the match to the striker.

I chose not to strike the match.

Timing is everything.

Patience means the world.

Fear is natural.

Courage is key.

Confidence grows connection.

Where is the line?

The line between patience and fear.

When is time out?

The moment where biding time becomes wasting time.

What marks a dead end?

The realization lingering is actually stagnation.

This match, this opportunity, this crossroad:

I can touch the box.

I can strike the match into flame.

But it will take two to keep the flame alight.

Fear is an illusion.

Timing. Patience. Courage. Confidence.

Tangles

Writing. Writing. Writing.

I should be writing an essay.

Typing. Typing. Typing.

All I can do is aimless typing.

I feel the words inside my head,

But only tangles of words surface.

I know what should be said,

But only scattered thoughts fill the space.

Why can I not unravel my brain?

Why must this essay give me such pain?

Why do I need to struggle and strain?

I try to follow a linear thought.

My mind wants to jump and run around.

Skipping through topics and switching comes naturally.

Writing to another place makes for fascination.

Because I need to stretch.

Because learning requires uncomfortableness.

Because it is okay to feel some pressure.

Instrumental Beauty

So many people,

So little room,

So much eager energy.

First a calm.

It lulled everyone into a secure foundation.

The energy stabilized at a gentle rest.

Then the excitement.

It yanked us into a new sphere.

The energy snowballed into a mass.

Now anxiety.

Our excitement changed form.

The energy wanted to break away from control.

Tantalizing.

Anxiety melted into something less stressful.

The energy gave in to attempting compromise.

A transition to playfulness.

We return to a dreamy state - no darkness.

The energy is content, its cycle complete.

Their fingers did the work while their bodies became the music.

Where do their minds go?

Do they stay aware of the present?

Do they slip into another world?

Stringed keys and a metal tube,

All it took to take control.