"I don't get non-binary"... Use Your Imagination.

Catalyst: overheard from someone

<Gender is a CD player.>

<Everyone's gender identity is a CD.>

<Mine is something else round,>

<like a pancake or something.>

Okay now let's work off that.

I Am Not...

Suicidal.

Depressed.

Hopeless.

But I am...

Dysphoric.

Frustrated.

Spiraling.

I feel...

Powerless.

Stuck.

Insightful.

I predicted the spiral.

Dysphoria is...

A

Slowly

Increasing sense

Of

Distress.

My primary reason for having peace is gone

So it feels as though 

I could be gaining ground

But it seems that it’s not true

And those reasons aren’t good enough.

I don’t want to have dysphoria

I don’t want it to be an all consuming thing

But then I remember it can be

And that it is problematic to

Moving through life.

This is and is not the same as my other mod.

They both make me feel like me.

I could and can clearly envision their physics

Before the mod.

I take the info gathering seriously.

I take the years to understand my environment.

But for the other I was not less happy before it. 

I am only happier with it.

I was not upset without it.

This one is different.

I can see the spiral into mental torment.

The longer I postpone the stronger the negativity grows.

And I can’t live under the illusion this isn’t happening.

I can’t make myself be at peace forever.

Not when I know relief is possible.

I can only tread water. 

I’m not drowning in misery.

Yet.

Washed

Cleanliness.

Whiteness.

White-washed.

I am so tired of living in a world washed over by

 cisgender

heterosexual

white

norms.

I am so tired of being told I do not exist

because people assume they can look at me

 and know how I am.

I am so tired of being washed into a status of

 generalities.

Sandy

All the times I've been sandy:

playing as a kid

walking on the beach

long jump

Sand has always followed me.

Especially now,

Every time I see that playground box,

Every time I walk on a beach,

Every time time I do my event,

I will always think of Sandy.

Once I said

That we can all strive

To be Sandy.

Because she reminds us

How to relate to each other,

How to respect each other,

How to use our differences

To strengthen our similarities.

That sandbox?

I'll think about how she loved us kids

In addition to her own.

The beach?

I'll remember the trip every spring

Where we all spent the day together.

Long jump?

The sand gritting in my shoes reminds me

Of the work and faith she put into us.

All things considered,

I repeat myself in saying:

We can all strive to be Sandy.

Frantumare

C’è qualcosa che è sbagliato con il mio corpo.

Mi sento come se mi frantumerò in un milione di pezzi,

Come se le leggi della fisica non si vogliono applicare.

C’è qualcosa che mi aiuta.

Sono restat* da un peso.

Questo peso è fisico,

Benché c’è anche un peso metaforico.

Il corpo mio trema

Ma nessuno può vederlo.

La mente mia corre

Ma gli occhi miei mostrano solo concentrato intenso.

Ed io non so che cosa fare.

So solamente che non voglio sentirmi così.

Prima le correzioni:

INTRAPPOLATO

In che senso non posso esprimermi,

Non ho la conoscenza.

Tuttavia voglio migliorare.

Ripida è la curva di apprendimento.

Allora devo imparare più parole.

Pazienza è necessario.

Potrò migliore io stess*

Ovviamente dovrei usare italiano tantissimo.

La lingua italiana è difficile ma possible.

A voi dico questo:

Tutte le azioni che si fanno per migliore saranno utili,

O almeno esiste sempre qualcosa utile da fare.

POETICA

Pazienza è necessario.
Ovunque io vado, posso scrivere,
E ci sono sempre qualcosa per scrivere.
Trabocca con i pensieri, la mia mente.
In modo che io abbia pace,
Catturo i pensieri e li metto in un
Altro posto.

Lasciare i Morti nel Passato

<Sto trascinando un corpo morto dietro di me.>

<Voglio liberarmi.>

<Non lo so.>

~esperimento mentale~

Ehm...

Ammetto, non so come farlo.

Iniziamo con la logica:

#1

Per tagliare il corpo,

Devi affrontare la morte in quella forma. 

Devi interagire con il corpo.

#2

L’onere è su di te.

Questo è il tuo dilemma.

Devi essere l’uno che affronta il corpo e lo liberi.

#3

Non devi portare l’onere da solo.

Hai persone che possono e aiuteranno.

~qualunque cosa aiuto significhi~

parlare di lo,

essere un muro per ascoltare,

interagire con il corpo con te,

~hai opzioni~

Allora, adesso la parte difficile - affrontare il corpo

Cattulo 5 (più o meno)

Permettiamo vivere, [il mio amore], permettiamo anche amaci, e permettiamo giudicare tutte ciance dei uomini antichi 

Di valere solo un pochissimo!

I soli possono scendere e salire:

Quando quella luce breve era caduta per noi,

Dobbiamo dormire una notte perpetua.

Dammi mille baci, poi altri cento,

Poi altri mille, poi un secondo cento,

Poi ancora altri mille più, poi due cento.

Poi, quando ne abbiamo dati altri mille, li misceleremo dunque non sappiamo,

E così nessuno può gelosi di noi quando di imparare

Quanti baci abbiamo condiviso.

Ciao

Sono felice e triste.

Felice perché sto andando a Roma!

Triste perché mi manca mio amore.

Felice anche perché incontrerò la mia famiglia ospitante!

Triste anche perché non vedrò il mio migliore amico questo autunno.

Quindi

Dico “ciao”.

Ciao per le persone a casa.

Ciao per le persone a Roma.

Qualunque.

Sono emozionat* per Roma!

Ho bisogno di imparare tutti gli informazioni possibili!

Voglio fare Italia tipo una seconda casa.

Ho paura ma avrò divertimento.

Sono pront* per questo!

Quindi,

Ciao

Twister

It's all about balance.

You never know where people will end up.

You're at the mercy of the spinner.

We spin and spin 

And I spin into you

Because walking away is so much

And I'm not ready.

I pull you in

So I can rest a kiss on your forehead.

I'm shorter but you

Indulge me

And lean in.

Flashback to yesterday morning.

Yo what're you doing?

Stop driving into the twister.

It's called Dry Dry Desert

Not Twister Alley (lol).

My thoughts twist and squirm

As I press into your warmth

And procrastinate leaving

Because I'm not ready.

It's about balance.

It's about reading the flow.

And we can balance on our own.

And we can flow separate paths.

But I await until our paths flow

Back together so

We can twist into each other's warmth

And spin around once more.

Because I am not ready

But I am willing.

<Parting is such sweet sorrow.>

So to you I give

<a thousand kisses and a thousand more>.

Invisibility

Super power?

Social capital?

If you use it right.

Seeing.

Hearing. 

Watching. 

Listening.

When you melt into the back ground,

You notice the other figures. 

They do not notice you.

And you watch them interact.

They chatter easily together.

You can tell they belong here.

And you wonder...

How did this happen?

How is it you can play passive observer?

Pairs

A pair of mouths.

They spew endless words.

They share thoughts.

Their thoughts mean little.

A pair of eyes.

They speak some.

They entertain small talk.

They are quiet.

A pair of brains.

They speak little.

They keep to themselves.

They check in but no more.

A pair of ears.

They seem checked out.

They soak in their surrounding. 

They’re connected to the other parts.

Boomerang

What goes up

Must come down.

What gets wound

Must unwind.

What swings forward

Must swing back.

What awakes

Must sleep.

What flies

Must land.

And inertia continues the cycle.

Dramaturgy

Have you ever been on a stage?

The lights are deafening.

The audience’s roar is blinding.

Everything fogs over.

Calling it mist is too kind.

This is smog. 

A special smog.

I’ll do my best to explain.

Everyone has their own smog.

It is specific to an individual.

Its size...

Its texture...

Its shape...

Its weight...

Its strength...

Its pliability...

They are all unique.

It is common to see but ignore it.

It is possible to live with it.

But that is not sustainable.

This smog is not invisible to others.

It is not necessarily visible either.

But the presence has tangible weight.

Some are better than others 

At seeing people’s smog.

Call it a super power

A sixth sense.

And with power

Comes responsibility.

I hope that was good enough.