Sand

Sandy.

It's just a word...or is it?

Close your eyes.

Think of a beach.

Think of the innumerable grains of sand.

All grains are from different places.

All grains have a unique origin story.

All grains of sand have

Their own shape,

Their own color,

Their own place on the beach.

But it is all sand.

It all starts from the same base substance.

It all finds its way to a beach.

It all fits together.

Sandy.

I think of Sandy and I am reminded:

Humans are like sand.

We come from different places.

We look different from each other.

We hold different beliefs.

We all experience our own story.

But we are all human.

We start in the same place.

We all enter the world as babies - a blank slate.

We all bleed the same.

We all feel pain.

We all face the same end in this world.

So I think of Sandy and I remember

These things.

And now I remind you:

We can all strive to be Sandy.

Tutti Rotti

Io sono rotto.

Loro sono rotti.

E loro, loro sono anche rotti.

Lui è rotto.

E lui, lui è anche rotto.

Noi siamo tutti rotti.

Loro e loro sono tristi.

Loro e loro sono frustrati.

Loro e loro sono nel dolore.

Io non posso capire,

Non nello stesso modo che loro capiscono.

Io sono anche triste,

Ma questo non è la mia tragedia.

Ancora, mi dispiace. Mi dispiace.

*Nota: In questo caso, "loro" significa solo una persona. Quindi, "loro e loro" significa 2 persone separate.

TAG. You’re It.

Tag you’re it.

Tag.

You're it.

Tag you're 

It.

Get off of my back.

Get outa my head.

Get off somewhere else.

Gave it your best shot?

Shoot 'im up for the fun of it.

I don't understand.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Around and around

You go like a

Moon around it's planet. 

Guess that's accurate.

All you are is rock anyways.

Your light is so soft

But your surface is only hard.

Cold to the touch

And

Never shaken.

Good bye.

See ya on the dark side

Cuz

There everything will be clear.

No more shadows.

No more light blurring my vision.

No more circles.

I'm gonna be my own gravity.

I'm going to be independent of you.

I'm going to hang up now.

20:53

You know those good days?

Well today was a good day.

It’s a bummer that I felt like shit during most of it,

Oh well. These things happen.

Guess I’ve come full circle. 

I feel calm again.

Nothing special.

Just mundane.

I do have light marks.

But the urge isn’t there anymore.

I still don’t know why today went down like this. 

Not really worth it to me to figure out.

Guess it’s homework time.

I’ll sleep well tonight. 

14:02

Vomit.

Not actually, but I considered.

Paced too quick.
Speed felt too good to slow down.
At least the pace was consistent?

It was a good practice.

Back to reality.

Or is it?

I practice regularly;

It is built into my reality.

But it is also a break from reality.

I don't feel anxious anymore.

All I have is nothing.

And that is frustrating.

So maybe I have frustration instead.

Either way,

I have a void.

I guess that's okay.

Sometimes there's nothing to have.

I'll just keep plodding along today.

Because really, I'm functioning fine.

11:45

The anxiety never went away.

It's not so bad function is gone.

But it's more than background noise.

I walk through today.

Hit.

<A sharp moment of pain.>

Hit.

<A dull linger.>

Hit.

<Will this leave a mark?>

Hit.

<What if I were to break bone?>

Hit.

<I'm actually not applying much force.>

Hit.

<Okay I might have a problem.>

Hit.

<It's been a long time since I used physical force.>

Hit.

<Should I be worried?>

Hit.

<It's only inanimate objects.>

Hit.

<I don't doubt my self control.>

Hit.

<I'm not causing material damage.>

Hit.

<I don't hit living things.>

Hit...

05:00

Awake.

Why am I awake?

I shouldn't be awake.

My mind is racing.

I feel uncertainty.

I can't open my eyes.

And I can't fall back asleep.

I think about names.

I think about school.

I think about homework

...so much homework.

I look at the clock. 

05:00

There's no reason to be awake.

But I am too anxious to sleep.

Until I remember,

The body has a funny way of using chemicals.

Does it count as self-medication

If I trick my body into releasing oxy?

I'm not sure

I like manipulating my mechanisms,

But it works.

I slip back into the abyss.

Shutdown

Weariness turns into hyper-awareness and

They don't have time for this shit

So it'll have to be homework over help

For now because reality is a bitch and

They can still function fine.

There's too much they want to do

And there's too much they have to do

But there's not enough time

And they don't have enough energy

So it'll have to be shutdown for now.

I wish I could stop it but I don't know how

And I wish I had more time

Or that I was more efficient with homework

But that's not how it is

And I feel myself shutting down.

I know cuddles are good

And being with them makes me happy

But I didn't have time to ask for their support

So I plodded along and did homework instead

And I stop to wonder was that really the best move...

Because sleep was so good

And I slept really well

But then today I wake up and everything comes back

And it'd be great to sleep a little longer

But I don't have time

So I'll keep plodding along because really I'm still functioning fine.

Shifting Current

Give me a minute to think.

I like to get lost in thoughts.

I enjoy making electricity run.

First in my stomach

And now the electricity has migrated.

Still a warm buzz,

Still like goose bumps,

But more concentrated.

I wonder...

Can I put it back in my stomach?

Can I use mental capacity to reroute it?

Can thought associations manipulate it?

Time will tell.

I'll take the shot.

Primary

...We were always that way.

...You were already like that.

....I already worked through this in my head.

So truth?

I hope you find the others 

Besides only me

Who make you happy

Because alone I know I can't
Make you completely happy.

And no one person should be

anyone's sole support.

We all need a web for that.

Find new experiences.

Explore yourself.

Teach me what you learn out there.

Let me help and explore with you.

This is not the end of anything.

This is a new chapter.

So let's read it together.

TAG

Truth to yourself gives power to others.

thank you for sharing your story;

it touched many

and I hope sharing benefits you as well

Always I thought you were a cool human.

you have so much courage, 

to be able to show yourself to the floor...

I am in awe of your bravery

Go forth and keep being the example.

Others need to see people like you;

I need people like you, TAG

- The one who stopped you in foco day 1(ish)

to say you had cool hair

Idioms - But My Way

Birds of a feather flock together...

Until three's a crowd.

Kill two birds with one stone;

It's the best of both worlds.

The early bird gets the worm,

But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Actions speak louder than words,

But don't judge a book by its cover.

Put wool over other people's eyes,

So you will see eye to eye.

If you miss the boat,

Jump on the band wagon.

Teamwork makes the dream work...

But too many cooks spoil the soup.

In the heat of the moment,

It takes two to tango.

If you feel a bit under the weather,

Remember every cloud has a silver lining.

Speak of the devil

Once in a blue moon.

Curiosity killed the cat who

Barked up the wrong tree.

If you're going to bite off more than your can chew,

It better be the best thing since sliced bread.

Get your act together;

It's not rocket science.

Bite the bullet

And break a leg.

If it costs an arm and a leg,

Give it the benefit of the doubt

To be a blessing in disguise.

If you bite the hand that feeds you...

Be sure to rub salt in the wound

While the ball is in your court.

Time flies when you're having fun

Pulling someone's leg.

I heard all this straight from the horse...

Who heard it through the grape vine.

Take it with a grain of salt,

Because your guess is as good as mine.

|–.–|

Back in the ink of thoughts.

Still colored obsidian.

But now textured incomplete licorice.

This ink is missing its current.

It has consciousness,

But that of one in a coma.

Stalling.

It's a safety net.

It's a hazardous trap.

It's warm and cool.

It's burning and biting.

It wants you to sleep

All day

And think all night.

But

Never rest.

It steals the light from eyes

And

Warps space into slow motion.

It keeps you existing

While never living.

Waking up is half the battle.

Escaping is the second half.

Remembering to move forward the war.

This isn't your artist's ink.

This is depression.

And it's only

One of its forms.

Double-Edged Sword

Pitter-patter. Pitter-patter.

Plop-plop.

Drip-drip.

Sprinkle me with mist.

Douse me in coolness.

Refresh this dry terrain.

Thromp-thromp.

Wrsh-crsh.

FROOMP.

Wash over me.

Crash into me.

Decimate this landscape.

Rain is funny like that.

Masquerade

You say I have your unconditional support.

I believe you.

You say you don't care in the end.

I believe you.

You tell me to tone it down.

I refuse.

You tell me I should be more normal.

I refuse.

You can't handle me.

You can't handle the person I am.

You can handle the me I'm going to create.

You can't handle me.

So here's to my masquerade.

Here's to my facade for you.

Here's to knowing what you want.

You'll think you know me.

You'll think you understand my interests.

You'll think you get it.

There will be things you don't know I do.

There will be things you'll never understand.

There will be things you don't deserve to know.

And that's okay.