Bandwagon for the Weird

Ima just throw this out:

I'm pretty weird.

I'm a little crazy.

I'm arguably sick in the head.

Example:

Most people don't play with sharp objects for fun.

Yes. For fun.

~They're not scary.~

~They're fascinating.~

~They're only a tool which I control~

Continue?

Most people don't hear something <objectively bad> and think,

"Oh I wonder what that would feel like, how that works".

And most people don't get around to testing that thought.

Most people wouldn't document their odd thoughts.

Most people hide their idiosyncrasies.

So yeah,

I'm weird.

I have odd thoughts.

And sometimes I bother acting on them.

But I am also:
Confident

Know what I want

A deep thinker

Able to plan consequences

And I love living my life,

However weird/odd/different.

Tutto nella Testa

Perché l’ho fatto?

Che cosa stavo pensando?

Non lo so.

Forse...

Era così

<Fallo.>

<Vuoi farlo.>

<È facile. Troppo facile, in realtà.>

E ora,

Eccomi qui,

Con le linee sul mio corpo.

<Non sei pazz*.>

<Fidi di me. Prometto...>

<Fida ti di me.>

<È solo curiosità.>

<Quando superi il limite,>

<Saprai.>

<Quello non lo era.>

Fire and Ice

I never know what to expect from you.

Cuz ever since we met you played fire and ice.

Flirt with me one day, disappear the next.

And I thought I was in the clear from games...

Guess girls are never easy.

So...

C'mon c'mon girl,

I'm ready to play.

I'll play your game because I know I will win.

Quick wits or clever stamina it doesn't matter because I'm committed.

Okay my turn to lead:

I can make your fire feel like mist.

I can make your ice feel like steam.

You'll never know which I'll play

Because at the end of the day I came to finish first.

So...

C'mon c'mon girl,

I'm ready to play.

I'll play your game because I know I will win.

Quick wits or clever stamina it doesn't matter because I'm committed.

Yeah, that's right

I came to finish first.

But don't worry, dear - just take the hit,
Because I'll make sure second place is worth it.

Butterflies

Hey you!

Yeah,

You over there.

I just gotta say...

...

Hi.

Oh shit where'd my voice go

Cuz all I could think about were the butterflies.

They're carrying me away

And I'm powerless to stop it.

Shackled here to the ground

But the butterflies win.

So please, take me away and lay me down in pieces.

Something Different

Hey, it's me.

I'm just standing around minding my business

But then you walk by and I feel my breath catch.

Oh yeah,

We've been friends since pre-K

So what's different?

There's no way I'm gay,

I just gotta say it.

So here it is:

I'm sure not gay.

Hey, it's me (again).

I was looking for a dance partner

And I noticed you were alone.

No way I'm gay

But may I have this dance?

Oh damn your eyes shine so bright.

I can't stop the tunnel vision,

So here's to what I gotta say:

I know it's okay to be gay.

Silence

Shatter.

Crumble.

Dissolve.

As quiet snaps into silence...

And time spins back into focus...

My body stops.

The race is over,

The run frozen.

And only alone's weight remains.

So it's time to melt

back into time...

back into space...

back into the inky abyss...

And hope sleep fuses the shattered silence into quiet.

Quiet

Racing and racing

and racing...

racing.

C'mon heart -

Slow down.

C'mon body -

get a grip.

Running and running

and running --

pause.

Wall.

Listen.

Walk.

Waiting and waiting

and waiting --

knock.

I stand there dumbstruck.

I listen and laugh and crack jokes.

I plug in to drown out the tingling buzz.

Together.

And suddenly everything slows.

Time is irrelevant.

Space is too much.

Gravity turns horizontal.

Everything quiets.

Always quiet.

Never silenced.

And I can see in the present.

Spineless

I feel like

My spine went missing

All of the sudden.

Things I Fear

Running out of time:

There’s too much I want to do.

There’s too little time to do it how I would like.

There’s a limit to my energy.

Isolation:

What will happen when I’m alone:

Will I stay in person mode?

Will I choose another headspace more frequently?

Will isolation hurt my psyche or reset it?

Vulnerability:

I'm very good at confidence.

I'm very good at pushing through discomfort.

I'm very good at not giving a fuck at what I can't control.

But I cannot function when I feel vulnerable.

I can teach myself out of feeling so.

I have to, after all.

Myself:

I am afraid to lose control.

...of my mind.

...of my emotions.

...of my body.

Because someone always gets hurts when that happens.

Tutto a Posto

Adesso è proprio vero.

Perché quando siamo insieme,

Va per il verso giusto.

Mi sento felice con te.

Tutti giorni penso a te.

E poi voglio essere

Insieme in carne ed ossa.

Ma non possiamo essere sempre insieme.

Triste.

Così ricordo tutto:

...quando prima te ho veduto.

...quando ci siamo incontrat*.

...quando siamo diventat* noi.

Come un corpo di fulmine.

Perché sei incredibile.

E ti amo.

Static

Electricity is funny.

It repels and attracts.

It creates fields

And shocks them when they grow too close.

Every time I walk past you.

Every time we touch.

Every time you're near.

There's always a static field.

Come break the static.

When you're ready,

I'll wait

For our charges to find common levels.

For our fields to link.

For the shock to start a spark.

Floating

Lets draw lines.

Close your eyes.

Let the line go as it pleases.

It may go square.

It may run in circles.

It may run every angle.

Let me draw lines around you.

I'll draw lines straight as circles.

They'll keep you floating

Off the paper.

<See the illusion?>

<My lines form a shadow.>

Keep drawing

My lines are coming true.

They're strings and I'm a puppet.

I'm floating,

And the lines direct my movements.

Walking

Let’s take a walk,

A walk through the mundane.

I’ll show you the path.

Look at the tree.

Look at the bushes.

Look at the puddle.

It snowed recently.

There’s ice over the puddles.

Don’t slip. 

Okay. 

Keep walking.

Look at the grass.

Look at the sky.

Feel the dirt under your feet.

Sorry.

Are you bored?

Yeah.

Me too kinda.

The Whiteboard Exercise

How I've read it works:

Close eyes.

Imagine a whiteboard.

Imagine turning the whiteboard completely black

<by paint>

<by crayon>

<by pencil>

<by pen>

<whatever, user's choice>.

My version:

Close eyes.

Apply light pressure onto eyelid

<cause yellow-white circle to appear>.

<make the whole circle glow white-hot yellow>.

Dysphoria

It's about perception.

~The intersection of the 1st and 3rd person perspective~

~The awareness of duel perspectives~

~Knowing the perceptions don't align~.

Equally important: personal feels

~The intuitive "something's off"~

~The core imbalance~

~The not-quite-right few outsiders understand~.

The shifting current

~Unstable.~

~Context the magnetic rulebook.~

~Not controlled by an on/off switch~.

The dial

~The controller~

~Unpredictable~

~Untamable~

~Location recognizable...with practice~.

May

...cause anxiety.

...be a manifestation of anxiety.

...distract from the present.