The Whiteboard Exercise

How I've read it works:

Close eyes.

Imagine a whiteboard.

Imagine turning the whiteboard completely black

<by paint>

<by crayon>

<by pencil>

<by pen>

<whatever, user's choice>.

My version:

Close eyes.

Apply light pressure onto eyelid

<cause yellow-white circle to appear>.

<make the whole circle glow white-hot yellow>.

Dysphoria

It's about perception.

~The intersection of the 1st and 3rd person perspective~

~The awareness of duel perspectives~

~Knowing the perceptions don't align~.

Equally important: personal feels

~The intuitive "something's off"~

~The core imbalance~

~The not-quite-right few outsiders understand~.

The shifting current

~Unstable.~

~Context the magnetic rulebook.~

~Not controlled by an on/off switch~.

The dial

~The controller~

~Unpredictable~

~Untamable~

~Location recognizable...with practice~.

May

...cause anxiety.

...be a manifestation of anxiety.

...distract from the present.

The Sound of Silence

One hundred to zero in one shot.

Plunged into the abyss.

No hints in sight.

Let's play Risk.

A hundred small steps taken.

One major move made.

Your turn.

Now let's play Poker.

It's still your turn.

Test my patience...

I'm determined to let you move first.

Jump into Trouble.

It's all in the die.

Pop pop pop.

Better get lucky.

Double the fun. Monopoly.

Two dice. One goal.

A little luck, a little know-how.

Control the board.

Sorry.

Consider it a numbers game.

Slide into the safe zone.

Don't apologize for playing the game.

How about Yahtzee?

Look,

At least you have a chance here.

Anyone for Lines?

Okay.

Odds are I'll draw you a good one.

Know that slaps game?

It's the art of eye contact.

Watch my eyes...

Trust me yet?

5 Phases

Caring-

...about.

...for.

...giving.

...receiving.

...with.

The ethical qualities

Attentiveness

[Suspension of self-interest]

Responsibility

[Taking on the burden of responsibility]

Competence

[Awareness of limits/competencies]

Responsiveness

[Preparedness to address emerging needs]

(of givers and/or receivers)

Solidarity

[Plurality]

[Communication]

[Trust]

[Respect]

Epiphany

I already guess-worked this out.

I worked through my issues long ago.

I have a clear conscience.

I was ready for the future

In the past.

You are in a unique position.

You are brave in an unusual way.

You are human in the normal manifestations.

We're a dream team.

We're good together.
You and I.

I'd never met anyone like you before,

Who completely knew me,

Who accepted me as is,

Who gave me interesting conversations,

Who was willing to break norms.

I hope I am your equal.

Brother.

10 Commandments

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...

B Code Escalated

On the ground.

I'm seeing a single hue of color.

<You're sure you want this?>

Yep.

Do it.

The first shot.

Through my eyebrow.

The second shot.

Through my cheek.

I think it went straight through,

And went out the other side.

I'm calm.

The pain is minimal.

It's like a body piercing.

The scars are barely visible.

This is strangely unrealistic.

<How do you feel?>

I feel fine.

I do not feel fear.

Pit Falls

Think Animal Crossing.

You know those pit falls?

The ones that look like buried treasure?

That cursed star you can fall into?

The surprise you forget about existing?

Yeah. Me too.

Pit falls suck.

You have to

Flail and

Struggle and

Watch your character's wide-eyed expression

[complete with sweating].

It's really quite a sight of coding.

We've seen a lot of pit falls recently.

And I'm sorry they keep cropping up.

It does really suck.

Look around

Look around

At how lucky we are

To be alive right now.

Look at where you are.

Look at where you started.

The fact that you're alive is a miracle.

I don't pretend to know

The challenges you're facing.

...But I'm not afraid. I know you.

Remember,

We are here to help.

It's okay not to be okay.

And I love you.

...Say. Good-bye!

Take care of yourself.

You will be missed.

We won't forget you.

We'll keep in touch.

I'm glad you got to make the choice

Out of your own agency.

I'm glad you're alive.

Look around...look around

At how lucky we are to be

Alive

Right now.

I'm here to listen,

Here to understand you.

Tell me what lies in your heart

And in the telling you'll find the peace you're seeking

You'll know the way once you start.

I can't live for you,

[But] things can change.

I promise.

Cuz God don't make no trash.

Best of hubbies and best of men.

Best older brother I never had.

The B Code

Normal day. Normal class.

Darkness.

Tension.

Cue abnormality.

Is everyone in the room?

Is the door locked?

Are the windows locked?

Nope.

In and Out.

In and Out.

In and Out.

Whsk.

...and Out.

Whsk.

...and Out.

Cower. Cower.

We could die.

I've made my peace with that.

It's just a fact.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Normal day.
Team's all here.

Pause.

Over the hill crest:
Piu piu.
Whsk wsk.

Dust swirls.
Small impacts creep closer.

To my right I hiss:
Get down.
You're dead.

I sink to the floor
And hope she did the same.
I feel someone nearing.

A pull at my hair (the little there is)...
Is that metal on my head... a small hollow circle?

Wait for it...wait for it...
Wait for it.

Nothing.

I'm alive.
I am calm.
And I wake up.

FAMILY

Forever evolving, never stationary

Accepts you

Maybe dysfunction but has your back

Interdependent with each other

Legacy. What is a legacy?

You can choose as much as you cannot choose who’s included.

Hanging

It's funny

How life hangs in the balance

When we least expect it.

I wouldn't know,

Not from personal experience.

But, by proxy, yes.

That I understand.

One too many shit-shows.

One too many dark thoughts.

One too many tablets.

Let's throw another wrench:

Refuse help.

Well that complicates it

For the rest of us...

Is it really caring ethically

If we neglect your wants,

Because we want to follow the book?

Is it really good care

If we can't respect your wishes

When they don't align with our own?

Now let's throw this gear:

You don't actually want to die.

You intentionally acted

Non-lethally.

Since I believe

You aren't truly trying to die,

I cannot,

In good conscience,

Force formal outside help on you.

So I watch.

I keep you close.

I show you support.

I plan for the worst,

While hoping for the best.

And I do my best care.

Sand

Sandy.

It's just a word...or is it?

Close your eyes.

Think of a beach.

Think of the innumerable grains of sand.

All grains are from different places.

All grains have a unique origin story.

All grains of sand have

Their own shape,

Their own color,

Their own place on the beach.

But it is all sand.

It all starts from the same base substance.

It all finds its way to a beach.

It all fits together.

Sandy.

I think of Sandy and I am reminded:

Humans are like sand.

We come from different places.

We look different from each other.

We hold different beliefs.

We all experience our own story.

But we are all human.

We start in the same place.

We all enter the world as babies - a blank slate.

We all bleed the same.

We all feel pain.

We all face the same end in this world.

So I think of Sandy and I remember

These things.

And now I remind you:

We can all strive to be Sandy.

Tutti Rotti

Io sono rotto.

Loro sono rotti.

E loro, loro sono anche rotti.

Lui è rotto.

E lui, lui è anche rotto.

Noi siamo tutti rotti.

Loro e loro sono tristi.

Loro e loro sono frustrati.

Loro e loro sono nel dolore.

Io non posso capire,

Non nello stesso modo che loro capiscono.

Io sono anche triste,

Ma questo non è la mia tragedia.

Ancora, mi dispiace. Mi dispiace.

*Nota: In questo caso, "loro" significa solo una persona. Quindi, "loro e loro" significa 2 persone separate.

TAG. You’re It.

Tag you’re it.

Tag.

You're it.

Tag you're 

It.

Get off of my back.

Get outa my head.

Get off somewhere else.

Gave it your best shot?

Shoot 'im up for the fun of it.

I don't understand.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Around and around

You go like a

Moon around it's planet. 

Guess that's accurate.

All you are is rock anyways.

Your light is so soft

But your surface is only hard.

Cold to the touch

And

Never shaken.

Good bye.

See ya on the dark side

Cuz

There everything will be clear.

No more shadows.

No more light blurring my vision.

No more circles.

I'm gonna be my own gravity.

I'm going to be independent of you.

I'm going to hang up now.

20:53

You know those good days?

Well today was a good day.

It’s a bummer that I felt like shit during most of it,

Oh well. These things happen.

Guess I’ve come full circle. 

I feel calm again.

Nothing special.

Just mundane.

I do have light marks.

But the urge isn’t there anymore.

I still don’t know why today went down like this. 

Not really worth it to me to figure out.

Guess it’s homework time.

I’ll sleep well tonight. 

14:02

Vomit.

Not actually, but I considered.

Paced too quick.
Speed felt too good to slow down.
At least the pace was consistent?

It was a good practice.

Back to reality.

Or is it?

I practice regularly;

It is built into my reality.

But it is also a break from reality.

I don't feel anxious anymore.

All I have is nothing.

And that is frustrating.

So maybe I have frustration instead.

Either way,

I have a void.

I guess that's okay.

Sometimes there's nothing to have.

I'll just keep plodding along today.

Because really, I'm functioning fine.

11:45

The anxiety never went away.

It's not so bad function is gone.

But it's more than background noise.

I walk through today.

Hit.

<A sharp moment of pain.>

Hit.

<A dull linger.>

Hit.

<Will this leave a mark?>

Hit.

<What if I were to break bone?>

Hit.

<I'm actually not applying much force.>

Hit.

<Okay I might have a problem.>

Hit.

<It's been a long time since I used physical force.>

Hit.

<Should I be worried?>

Hit.

<It's only inanimate objects.>

Hit.

<I don't doubt my self control.>

Hit.

<I'm not causing material damage.>

Hit.

<I don't hit living things.>

Hit...

05:00

Awake.

Why am I awake?

I shouldn't be awake.

My mind is racing.

I feel uncertainty.

I can't open my eyes.

And I can't fall back asleep.

I think about names.

I think about school.

I think about homework

...so much homework.

I look at the clock. 

05:00

There's no reason to be awake.

But I am too anxious to sleep.

Until I remember,

The body has a funny way of using chemicals.

Does it count as self-medication

If I trick my body into releasing oxy?

I'm not sure

I like manipulating my mechanisms,

But it works.

I slip back into the abyss.

Shutdown

Weariness turns into hyper-awareness and

They don't have time for this shit

So it'll have to be homework over help

For now because reality is a bitch and

They can still function fine.

There's too much they want to do

And there's too much they have to do

But there's not enough time

And they don't have enough energy

So it'll have to be shutdown for now.

I wish I could stop it but I don't know how

And I wish I had more time

Or that I was more efficient with homework

But that's not how it is

And I feel myself shutting down.

I know cuddles are good

And being with them makes me happy

But I didn't have time to ask for their support

So I plodded along and did homework instead

And I stop to wonder was that really the best move...

Because sleep was so good

And I slept really well

But then today I wake up and everything comes back

And it'd be great to sleep a little longer

But I don't have time

So I'll keep plodding along because really I'm still functioning fine.

Shifting Current

Give me a minute to think.

I like to get lost in thoughts.

I enjoy making electricity run.

First in my stomach

And now the electricity has migrated.

Still a warm buzz,

Still like goose bumps,

But more concentrated.

I wonder...

Can I put it back in my stomach?

Can I use mental capacity to reroute it?

Can thought associations manipulate it?

Time will tell.

I'll take the shot.

Primary

...We were always that way.

...You were already like that.

....I already worked through this in my head.

So truth?

I hope you find the others 

Besides only me

Who make you happy

Because alone I know I can't
Make you completely happy.

And no one person should be

anyone's sole support.

We all need a web for that.

Find new experiences.

Explore yourself.

Teach me what you learn out there.

Let me help and explore with you.

This is not the end of anything.

This is a new chapter.

So let's read it together.

TAG

Truth to yourself gives power to others.

thank you for sharing your story;

it touched many

and I hope sharing benefits you as well

Always I thought you were a cool human.

you have so much courage, 

to be able to show yourself to the floor...

I am in awe of your bravery

Go forth and keep being the example.

Others need to see people like you;

I need people like you, TAG

- The one who stopped you in foco day 1(ish)

to say you had cool hair

Idioms - But My Way

Birds of a feather flock together...

Until three's a crowd.

Kill two birds with one stone;

It's the best of both worlds.

The early bird gets the worm,

But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Actions speak louder than words,

But don't judge a book by its cover.

Put wool over other people's eyes,

So you will see eye to eye.

If you miss the boat,

Jump on the band wagon.

Teamwork makes the dream work...

But too many cooks spoil the soup.

In the heat of the moment,

It takes two to tango.

If you feel a bit under the weather,

Remember every cloud has a silver lining.

Speak of the devil

Once in a blue moon.

Curiosity killed the cat who

Barked up the wrong tree.

If you're going to bite off more than your can chew,

It better be the best thing since sliced bread.

Get your act together;

It's not rocket science.

Bite the bullet

And break a leg.

If it costs an arm and a leg,

Give it the benefit of the doubt

To be a blessing in disguise.

If you bite the hand that feeds you...

Be sure to rub salt in the wound

While the ball is in your court.

Time flies when you're having fun

Pulling someone's leg.

I heard all this straight from the horse...

Who heard it through the grape vine.

Take it with a grain of salt,

Because your guess is as good as mine.