Notes to Myself

Remember to be Human.

Remember people have a limbic system.

Remember everyone's brain works differently.

Watch your back.

Watch your back for yourself,

That is, mind yourself.

You aren't always particularly nice.

Take what people tell you seriously.

Take judgment passively.

Take opinions with a grain of salt.

Take warnings as consequences.

Shut up sometimes.

Stop speaking.

Listen.

Observe.

Absorb.

Find a new mode.

There has to be more than two.

Go find the quiet one.

Wierd Things about Me

I try to get my sock tan the hardest line possible.

I lust over my own visible tan lines.

I use high SPF sunscreen (85+) and still tan pretty quick.

I like my scars.

I mentally collect scars from accidental scratches (up to three currently).

I regularly re-scar my hand pole vaulting.

~Occupational hazard~

I habitually pick off scabs to leave a scar.

I like my stretch marks.

They stripe the top of my legs down to my knees.

They remind me of the okapi.

I draw up my longer necklace when vaulting.

~It would get in the way otherwise~

I like when the necklaces' pendants clink.

It feels like wearing a dog tag.

I bite my nails obsessively.

One finger has half the nail-bed exposed;

At this point it'd be weird to have the full nail.

I'm a packrat.

I keep odd bits of things for future use.

I have multiple stashes of trinkets collected over the years.

Twist ties are great for future cord organization.

Bait and Switch

<Describe it.>

It's a switch, not a mask.

<What's the trigger?>

When someone messes with me...

It's hard to explain...

If I don't have a reason to use restraint,

By default I won't.

Call it predator mode?

Once I switch into it, that's it;

I have tunnel-vision.

I'm not trying to hurt the person,

I only intend to dish back an unpleasant consequence.

<How do you know when you switch back?>

<How are you able to switch back?>

My conscience tells me when enough is enough.

Otherwise I would continue until my body gave out.

I keep a trickle of rational;

It pulls me back to person mode.

Missing You

Imagine working two months on a 9,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.

You finish the puzzle, except for one missing piece...

You're able to get the missing piece from the maker,

But it will be two weeks to get the piece…

For two weeks you always think about getting the piece.

You can function, complete the day's tasks,

But your inner thoughts are only about the piece.

It is the first thing you think about waking up,

And the last thing you think falling asleep.

If you're a dreamer, you find the piece in your dreams.

You dream the moment of getting the piece;

You dream the act of completing the puzzle.

You are the missing piece.

Missing you feels like an eternity.

At first the feeling was strong enough to show in my eyes.

A few days pass and it dulls to white-noise.

I can ignore it when necessary but it's always there.

Then finally the noise turns into anticipation.

Term draws near.

I bide time till we're together again.

Sorrow and Failure, Violence and Anger

<I'm supposed to be better, but I can't give sorrow and failure the slip...>

I'm supposed to be the sane one,

But my demons are too lethal to acknowledge outright.

I could harness my demon to cause irreversible damage

~I've never used it~

Despite all the normal emotions I feel,

I know what I am capable of.

~perhaps not physically kill~

~rather, figure out how to destroy the spirit~

Sometimes I feel broken 

Because everyone I've been close to gets hurt,

Always an accident, always because I rough-play by instinct.

~a reflex-swipe to the face~

~a near-broken wrist~

I've learned to always guard myself,

Always calculate my movements.

Violence and anger or excitement and energy,

They are all the same in expression.

A trip on wheels with the wind in my face and burning through my muscles:

That is my path away, but it always catches up.

...So it goes as the chase continues.

We all have our demons.

We all have the capacity to tame them.

They remind us how to feel.

Our demons make us who we are.