Sand

Sandy.

It's just a word...or is it?

Close your eyes.

Think of a beach.

Think of the innumerable grains of sand.

All grains are from different places.

All grains have a unique origin story.

All grains of sand have

Their own shape,

Their own color,

Their own place on the beach.

But it is all sand.

It all starts from the same base substance.

It all finds its way to a beach.

It all fits together.

Sandy.

I think of Sandy and I am reminded:

Humans are like sand.

We come from different places.

We look different from each other.

We hold different beliefs.

We all experience our own story.

But we are all human.

We start in the same place.

We all enter the world as babies - a blank slate.

We all bleed the same.

We all feel pain.

We all face the same end in this world.

So I think of Sandy and I remember

These things.

And now I remind you:

We can all strive to be Sandy.

Tutti Rotti

Io sono rotto.

Loro sono rotti.

E loro, loro sono anche rotti.

Lui è rotto.

E lui, lui è anche rotto.

Noi siamo tutti rotti.

Loro e loro sono tristi.

Loro e loro sono frustrati.

Loro e loro sono nel dolore.

Io non posso capire,

Non nello stesso modo che loro capiscono.

Io sono anche triste,

Ma questo non è la mia tragedia.

Ancora, mi dispiace. Mi dispiace.

*Nota: In questo caso, "loro" significa solo una persona. Quindi, "loro e loro" significa 2 persone separate.

TAG. You’re It.

Tag you’re it.

Tag.

You're it.

Tag you're 

It.

Get off of my back.

Get outa my head.

Get off somewhere else.

Gave it your best shot?

Shoot 'im up for the fun of it.

I don't understand.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Around and around

You go like a

Moon around it's planet. 

Guess that's accurate.

All you are is rock anyways.

Your light is so soft

But your surface is only hard.

Cold to the touch

And

Never shaken.

Good bye.

See ya on the dark side

Cuz

There everything will be clear.

No more shadows.

No more light blurring my vision.

No more circles.

I'm gonna be my own gravity.

I'm going to be independent of you.

I'm going to hang up now.

20:53

You know those good days?

Well today was a good day.

It’s a bummer that I felt like shit during most of it,

Oh well. These things happen.

Guess I’ve come full circle. 

I feel calm again.

Nothing special.

Just mundane.

I do have light marks.

But the urge isn’t there anymore.

I still don’t know why today went down like this. 

Not really worth it to me to figure out.

Guess it’s homework time.

I’ll sleep well tonight. 

14:02

Vomit.

Not actually, but I considered.

Paced too quick.
Speed felt too good to slow down.
At least the pace was consistent?

It was a good practice.

Back to reality.

Or is it?

I practice regularly;

It is built into my reality.

But it is also a break from reality.

I don't feel anxious anymore.

All I have is nothing.

And that is frustrating.

So maybe I have frustration instead.

Either way,

I have a void.

I guess that's okay.

Sometimes there's nothing to have.

I'll just keep plodding along today.

Because really, I'm functioning fine.

11:45

The anxiety never went away.

It's not so bad function is gone.

But it's more than background noise.

I walk through today.

Hit.

<A sharp moment of pain.>

Hit.

<A dull linger.>

Hit.

<Will this leave a mark?>

Hit.

<What if I were to break bone?>

Hit.

<I'm actually not applying much force.>

Hit.

<Okay I might have a problem.>

Hit.

<It's been a long time since I used physical force.>

Hit.

<Should I be worried?>

Hit.

<It's only inanimate objects.>

Hit.

<I don't doubt my self control.>

Hit.

<I'm not causing material damage.>

Hit.

<I don't hit living things.>

Hit...

05:00

Awake.

Why am I awake?

I shouldn't be awake.

My mind is racing.

I feel uncertainty.

I can't open my eyes.

And I can't fall back asleep.

I think about names.

I think about school.

I think about homework

...so much homework.

I look at the clock. 

05:00

There's no reason to be awake.

But I am too anxious to sleep.

Until I remember,

The body has a funny way of using chemicals.

Does it count as self-medication

If I trick my body into releasing oxy?

I'm not sure

I like manipulating my mechanisms,

But it works.

I slip back into the abyss.

Shutdown

Weariness turns into hyper-awareness and

They don't have time for this shit

So it'll have to be homework over help

For now because reality is a bitch and

They can still function fine.

There's too much they want to do

And there's too much they have to do

But there's not enough time

And they don't have enough energy

So it'll have to be shutdown for now.

I wish I could stop it but I don't know how

And I wish I had more time

Or that I was more efficient with homework

But that's not how it is

And I feel myself shutting down.

I know cuddles are good

And being with them makes me happy

But I didn't have time to ask for their support

So I plodded along and did homework instead

And I stop to wonder was that really the best move...

Because sleep was so good

And I slept really well

But then today I wake up and everything comes back

And it'd be great to sleep a little longer

But I don't have time

So I'll keep plodding along because really I'm still functioning fine.