Va bene. Sei bene. Saremo okay.

 Leggi il titolo.

È come tu lo vedi.

Stai stanc*.

Sto stanc*.

Le nostre vite hanno sfide.

Va bene.

Lo so. Lo so.

Coraggio. 

Diventerà meglio.

Vedrai tu.

Birds and Bees

 I guess I'll be a bee.

They're smol and busy buzzies.

I'm a small and busy body.

Sometimes I think I would like to be a bird.

Birds are majestic.

Bees are buzz-kills waiting to happen.

Birds make music.

Bees make noise.

But no.

I'm satisfied as a bee.

To trade is to discover the full picture.

Two Sparrows

 Two sparrows settle for the night.

They are fearful of predators.

They are desperate to remain hidden.

One sparrow tosses and turns.

Sleep does not befall it.

It watches for the sunrise.

The other sparrow lies still.

Its breaths are even.

Still, the sparrow remains awake.

Two sparrows greet the daylight.

They are tired.

Silence fills the void between them.

Visibility...

 ...is not enough.

Validation bridges the gap.

I can scream into the void.

Maybe I'm heard,

But I hear nothing back.

Visibility does not equal Validation.

I present myself how I wish.

~ Visibility ~

I get addressed by a stranger how I want.

~ Validation ~

Nuance:

Validation can be misinterpreted.

...by the giver,

...by the receiver,

...by onlookers.

It's complicated.

DNA

Dysphoria aNd Anxiety.

Like the halves of zipper 

They can bind

Together and become separate.

And like a closed zipper they appear one

In the same thing,

And it becomes difficult

For the wearer even

To see where one ends and the other begins.

Mi tocchi.

Te l'ho chiesto di fare. 

Mi tocchi di nuovo

Però... Questa volta senza la mia voce.

E poi ho detto

"No." 

E il mio corpo si è ritirato.

Certo ci abbiamo parlato dell'incidente.

È stato davvero solo un incidente. 

Tuttavia... penso che la mia psiche

Sia stata ferita da te.

So che non avevi quell’intento,

Come non intendevo avere questa reazione disforica,

Però,

Eccoci qua. 

And I don’t know if it’s

The dysphoria

Or

The anxiety.

But I can’t shake the memory and

Ho paura che alla prossima situazione similare

Queste emozioni ritorneranno. 

Yet, maybe...

It is only a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I will it,

It won’t happen.

Spero di mantenere il controllo come penso.

Splaced

 "Yes. This is where I want to go to college."

never set foot in the state

never seen the campus

"I want to do medicine."

withdraws from bio13 first winter term

decides they don't want undergrad to be a stress hole

takes way too many sociology classes

but loves their school work

"I know nobody. Oh well."

gets along with first-year roommate fine

first-year floormates are cool

spends first 2 weeks eating with

random people each meal

"Hi. Is this seat taken? ... Can I sit here and chat? Cool."

finds a lot of one-shot interesting convos

finds a few lasting friends

finds (eventual) partner

"I like to talk to everyone."

finds support

... in their house community staff

...in custodial staff

...in DDS staff

...in professors

...with the bike mechanics

...the unlikely places

"This is hard."

learns to deal

...with anxiety

...with toxicity 

...stress

...identity questions

"I'm thriving."

but floating duck syndrome is real

but sometimes I forget commitments

but dysphoria locked me into my room

but I know people who aren't thriving

"I'm okay."

because it's okay to be unwell

because I am happy with my choices

because I have agency

because I have a support system

.

A letter to my braces (and ortho)

Dear braces,

Thank you for straightening my teeth. You did your job well. I am sorry I cannot appreciate you more. As it turns out, it has been 5 years since we parted ways and I still cannot think about the time we spent together without thought spiraling into an anxious wreck. Unfortunately my fantasies of a theoretical reunion bring only thoughts of misery, destruction, and lethality. I admit, it is of no fault of your own, though I do not believe it was mine either. I contend that you were only doing your job and I was too young to object to our meeting and ensuing relationship. I wish you good bye forever and hope that other people's encounter with you is more positive.

Rights and Obligations

I know the intent is pure.

I know malice is never the motive.

I know the mindset does not even conceive negativity here.

I know the meaning between the lines is only affection and pride.

So how can I justify the weirdness,

The disconnect, the discomfort?

How can I explain something I can't control?

I accept the statement's meaning,

Yet cringe in its form.

What right do I have to even enforce this?

And yet,

If I didn't explain my side,

I would die.

The me that kept those ties would dissolve

In that acidic environment.

“I who have died am alive again today”

Don’t get me wrong;

It’s a good line. 

It's about the chance to start again;

That’s a good concept.

It’s just...

I think it harbors conflicting undertows.

</ and this is the sun’s birthday>

So it’s definitely about a fresh start.

The part eating me is an implicit erasure. 

I can start over all I want,

But can I change what already happened?

Not so much.

It doesn’t do well

To erase the past.

So where does that leave me?

Every start line has a finish line,

As every book has an opening and a close.

And both keep records of themselves.

I can retrace my steps.

I can reread books.

But I can’t un-travel my path;

I can’t unread a book.

So what can I do with a new day?

I can get off the trail

And pick another. 

I can close the book

And open another.

All before I cross that end mark.

"I don't get non-binary"... Use Your Imagination.

Catalyst: overheard from someone

<Gender is a CD player.>

<Everyone's gender identity is a CD.>

<Mine is something else round,>

<like a pancake or something.>

Okay now let's work off that.

I Am Not...

Suicidal.

Depressed.

Hopeless.

But I am...

Dysphoric.

Frustrated.

Spiraling.

I feel...

Powerless.

Stuck.

Insightful.

I predicted the spiral.

Dysphoria is...

A

Slowly

Increasing sense

Of

Distress.

My primary reason for having peace is gone

So it feels as though 

I could be gaining ground

But it seems that it’s not true

And those reasons aren’t good enough.

I don’t want to have dysphoria

I don’t want it to be an all consuming thing

But then I remember it can be

And that it is problematic to

Moving through life.

This is and is not the same as my other mod.

They both make me feel like me.

I could and can clearly envision their physics

Before the mod.

I take the info gathering seriously.

I take the years to understand my environment.

But for the other I was not less happy before it. 

I am only happier with it.

I was not upset without it.

This one is different.

I can see the spiral into mental torment.

The longer I postpone the stronger the negativity grows.

And I can’t live under the illusion this isn’t happening.

I can’t make myself be at peace forever.

Not when I know relief is possible.

I can only tread water. 

I’m not drowning in misery.

Yet.

Washed

Cleanliness.

Whiteness.

White-washed.

I am so tired of living in a world washed over by

 cisgender

heterosexual

white

norms.

I am so tired of being told I do not exist

because people assume they can look at me

 and know how I am.

I am so tired of being washed into a status of

 generalities.