Sandy

All the times I've been sandy:

playing as a kid

walking on the beach

long jump

Sand has always followed me.

Especially now,

Every time I see that playground box,

Every time I walk on a beach,

Every time time I do my event,

I will always think of Sandy.

Once I said

That we can all strive

To be Sandy.

Because she reminds us

How to relate to each other,

How to respect each other,

How to use our differences

To strengthen our similarities.

That sandbox?

I'll think about how she loved us kids

In addition to her own.

The beach?

I'll remember the trip every spring

Where we all spent the day together.

Long jump?

The sand gritting in my shoes reminds me

Of the work and faith she put into us.

All things considered,

I repeat myself in saying:

We can all strive to be Sandy.

Frantumare

C’è qualcosa che è sbagliato con il mio corpo.

Mi sento come se mi frantumerò in un milione di pezzi,

Come se le leggi della fisica non si vogliono applicare.

C’è qualcosa che mi aiuta.

Sono restat* da un peso.

Questo peso è fisico,

Benché c’è anche un peso metaforico.

Il corpo mio trema

Ma nessuno può vederlo.

La mente mia corre

Ma gli occhi miei mostrano solo concentrato intenso.

Ed io non so che cosa fare.

So solamente che non voglio sentirmi così.

Prima le correzioni:

INTRAPPOLATO

In che senso non posso esprimermi,

Non ho la conoscenza.

Tuttavia voglio migliorare.

Ripida è la curva di apprendimento.

Allora devo imparare più parole.

Pazienza è necessario.

Potrò migliore io stess*

Ovviamente dovrei usare italiano tantissimo.

La lingua italiana è difficile ma possible.

A voi dico questo:

Tutte le azioni che si fanno per migliore saranno utili,

O almeno esiste sempre qualcosa utile da fare.

POETICA

Pazienza è necessario.
Ovunque io vado, posso scrivere,
E ci sono sempre qualcosa per scrivere.
Trabocca con i pensieri, la mia mente.
In modo che io abbia pace,
Catturo i pensieri e li metto in un
Altro posto.

Lasciare i Morti nel Passato

<Sto trascinando un corpo morto dietro di me.>

<Voglio liberarmi.>

<Non lo so.>

~esperimento mentale~

Ehm...

Ammetto, non so come farlo.

Iniziamo con la logica:

#1

Per tagliare il corpo,

Devi affrontare la morte in quella forma. 

Devi interagire con il corpo.

#2

L’onere è su di te.

Questo è il tuo dilemma.

Devi essere l’uno che affronta il corpo e lo liberi.

#3

Non devi portare l’onere da solo.

Hai persone che possono e aiuteranno.

~qualunque cosa aiuto significhi~

parlare di lo,

essere un muro per ascoltare,

interagire con il corpo con te,

~hai opzioni~

Allora, adesso la parte difficile - affrontare il corpo

Cattulo 5 (più o meno)

Permettiamo vivere, [il mio amore], permettiamo anche amaci, e permettiamo giudicare tutte ciance dei uomini antichi 

Di valere solo un pochissimo!

I soli possono scendere e salire:

Quando quella luce breve era caduta per noi,

Dobbiamo dormire una notte perpetua.

Dammi mille baci, poi altri cento,

Poi altri mille, poi un secondo cento,

Poi ancora altri mille più, poi due cento.

Poi, quando ne abbiamo dati altri mille, li misceleremo dunque non sappiamo,

E così nessuno può gelosi di noi quando di imparare

Quanti baci abbiamo condiviso.

Ciao

Sono felice e triste.

Felice perché sto andando a Roma!

Triste perché mi manca mio amore.

Felice anche perché incontrerò la mia famiglia ospitante!

Triste anche perché non vedrò il mio migliore amico questo autunno.

Quindi

Dico “ciao”.

Ciao per le persone a casa.

Ciao per le persone a Roma.

Qualunque.

Sono emozionat* per Roma!

Ho bisogno di imparare tutti gli informazioni possibili!

Voglio fare Italia tipo una seconda casa.

Ho paura ma avrò divertimento.

Sono pront* per questo!

Quindi,

Ciao

Twister

It's all about balance.

You never know where people will end up.

You're at the mercy of the spinner.

We spin and spin 

And I spin into you

Because walking away is so much

And I'm not ready.

I pull you in

So I can rest a kiss on your forehead.

I'm shorter but you

Indulge me

And lean in.

Flashback to yesterday morning.

Yo what're you doing?

Stop driving into the twister.

It's called Dry Dry Desert

Not Twister Alley (lol).

My thoughts twist and squirm

As I press into your warmth

And procrastinate leaving

Because I'm not ready.

It's about balance.

It's about reading the flow.

And we can balance on our own.

And we can flow separate paths.

But I await until our paths flow

Back together so

We can twist into each other's warmth

And spin around once more.

Because I am not ready

But I am willing.

<Parting is such sweet sorrow.>

So to you I give

<a thousand kisses and a thousand more>.

Invisibility

Super power?

Social capital?

If you use it right.

Seeing.

Hearing. 

Watching. 

Listening.

When you melt into the back ground,

You notice the other figures. 

They do not notice you.

And you watch them interact.

They chatter easily together.

You can tell they belong here.

And you wonder...

How did this happen?

How is it you can play passive observer?

Pairs

A pair of mouths.

They spew endless words.

They share thoughts.

Their thoughts mean little.

A pair of eyes.

They speak some.

They entertain small talk.

They are quiet.

A pair of brains.

They speak little.

They keep to themselves.

They check in but no more.

A pair of ears.

They seem checked out.

They soak in their surrounding. 

They’re connected to the other parts.

Boomerang

What goes up

Must come down.

What gets wound

Must unwind.

What swings forward

Must swing back.

What awakes

Must sleep.

What flies

Must land.

And inertia continues the cycle.

Dramaturgy

Have you ever been on a stage?

The lights are deafening.

The audience’s roar is blinding.

Everything fogs over.

Calling it mist is too kind.

This is smog. 

A special smog.

I’ll do my best to explain.

Everyone has their own smog.

It is specific to an individual.

Its size...

Its texture...

Its shape...

Its weight...

Its strength...

Its pliability...

They are all unique.

It is common to see but ignore it.

It is possible to live with it.

But that is not sustainable.

This smog is not invisible to others.

It is not necessarily visible either.

But the presence has tangible weight.

Some are better than others 

At seeing people’s smog.

Call it a super power

A sixth sense.

And with power

Comes responsibility.

I hope that was good enough.

Spiraling

Falling.

Darkness.

Wind.

Lighting flashes

But no thunder replies.

The night is infinite

But no stars sing,

And no moon whispers,

And no clouds stalk.

And suddenly momentum slows

To a sickening pace.

Wrapped in sap

Thicker than molasses.

Squeezed through a tube

But there is light on the emerging side.

Eyes open

And a glass hue alights.

A maze of prisms

Spiraling downward.

A colorful abyss

Hypnotizing the eye.

A landscape free of logic,

Free of reason,

Free of nature,

Free of interference.

But full of meaning,

Full of conscience,

Full of life.

Enigma?

Beauty?

Nightmare?

Yes.

Untitled Emotions

We are the founders to our history.

Yes our history,

Not the history before us,

The history which follows us.

We are the body of our community.

And this is what we witnessed on July 30, 2019:

A traveler is far away from the familiar,

And sheds their cloak,

Trying to fade into the back row.

The weight of the judgmental glances

Tells them that they're chances

Are better out on the road.

If we are the body,

Why aren't our arms reaching?

Why aren't our hands healing?

Why aren't our words teaching?

And what of that road?

The road where they can be harassed?

The road where they can be profiled because of a stereotype?

The road where people can admit their racist acts,

The road where people admit how to stop racism,

The road where racists can overtly and consciously act on their racism.

That's not the road I want to send people on.

And shame on everyone

Who send their siblings onto that road.

Not guilt.

Shame.

I want the road to be the place

Where travelers can broaden their horizons

Where all people can utilize a public resource.

Where strangers feel safe among strangers.

Where the most vulnerable feel the most protected.

That is the road I want to travel.

Since we are the body,

Let's make our arms reach

Let's make our hands heal

Let's make our words teach

Reach those in need.

Heal those in suffering.

Teach the truth

The truth of those who the privilege erases.

Impulse Shopping

I usually don't impulse buy.

Most of the time I browse.

I like examining everything,

But rarely do I leave with something new.

The last two times I made impulse buys were,

Mmm,

Questionable.

They weren't bad.

It was the same thing, yes

I impulsively picked something twice.

I was bored.

And I didn't have anything to lose.

And I had liked the thing in other contexts.

So what could possibly go wrong?

Well...

The first time was user error.

I forgot there was a tab to remove first.

Yeah I am just dumb like that.

~haha oh well~

The second time,

I don't know.

I guess it was bad timing?

~well it wasn't my fault that go around~

So what now?

I think I should stop impulse buying.

It hasn't gone well recently.

Hasn't been been bad,

But I haven't gained anything either.

Guess I will go

Back to browsing,

And leave impulse buying to the straight(up) shopaholics.

Slogging

One wrong move and you’re going under. 

This mud requires perfect balance.

Tread carefully, dear friend.

Single track it to the top.

It’ll be a hard climb.

You’ll find reward on the downhill.

Jump into the river to cool off.

Be mindful of the currents.

~One red and jagged~

~The other blue and slippery~

Ride the waves through.

If you wipe out you can learn.

If you stay on you’ll see you’ve come a ways.

Waves move back to the shore.

You’ll find ground again.

Even a rip current is navigable

~and temporary~

That’s not to say a mark isn’t left.

The water will be disrupted.

The sand below scarred.

But there is also remedy.

Time puts the sand back.

The waves find their rhythm.

Abstinence-Only Propaganda

Why would you do that

to yourself?

What if something goes wrong?

What if you get an infection?

What if it doesn't look how you wanted?

What if you regret it?

Have you thought about the consequences?

You'll lose the strength that

you worked so hard for.

You'll lose sensation that

you'll want, at certain times.

It's a major change.

They're neutral the way they are.

You didn't think like this before

you hung out with those people.

Tripod

You once said that we'd be friends,

And now it's time to test that trend.

I don't know what to expect,

But I'm ready to face whatever's next.

Leaving the Dead in the Past

<I am dragging a dead body behind me.>

<I want to cut it loose.>

<I don't know how.>

~ thought experiment ~

Okay...

I admit, I don't know how to do that.

Let's start with logistics:

#1

In order to cut the body loose,

You have to face death in that form.

You have to interact with the body.

#2

The burden is on you.

This is your dilemma.

You have to be the one to face the body and free it.

#3

You don't have to carry burden alone.

You have people who can and will help.

~whatever help means~

talking it out,

being a wall to listen,

interacting with the body with you,

~you have options~

Okay so now the hard part - facing the body

#1

How do you want to face it?

through conversation?

through venting?

through counseling?

through music?

through writing?

through crying?

through aggression (at an inanimate thing)?

through simulation?

#2

Who do you want/need?

someone specific?

someone in-person?

someone on-standby (electronically)?

a friend?

someone with more authority?
someone outside your usual social bubble?

is being able to face the body alone important?

#3

What do you want out of this?

Think apart from cutting the body loose.

to go wherever you want to go?

to interact with the body safely?

to interact with the body safely and alone?

something else?

all of it?

Alright, that's a start.

Now some miscellaneous thoughts.

#1

Time is an illusion.

There is no too fast.

There is no too slow.

There is only that which exists in the now.

#2

Spectrums are fluid.

Let's assume this is a spectrum of comfort level:

You can enter at any point.

You can slide around.

And that's okay.

#3

You are right.

There is not a pretty way to paint this.

It happened.

There are consequences.

This is hard.

#4

You have people who believe in you.

You have people who need you.

#5

I want you to know

you've started facing the body.

you're working through it.

you have control here.

some answers are found by following mystery.

Follow this link for Italian

Hey

Thought this was a good time for this -

Figured it couldn't hurt -

Just wanted to say hey.

...because you are worth acknowledging.

...because you deserve care.

I want you to know -

...that this is valid.

...that this isn't forever.

...that it's okay to not be okay.

And I want to say thank you -

...for being transparent.

...for letting me help.

...for being you.

...because you are a good bean.

...because you are brave.

...because you are resilient.

- and I am not frustrated

- and I am not scared,

...because I know you will be okay.

So hey,

Hoot-hoot,

You're cute.

Show and Tell

Give me a scratch -

I'll give you a scar.

Give me a bump -

I'll give you a shove.

Give me a slap -

I'll give you a punch.

Show me your fears -

I'll show you mine.

Show me trust -

I'll show you validation.

Show me you care - 

I'll show you loyalty.

Tell me your secrets -

I'll tell you my own.

Tell me a story -

I'll tell one after.

Tell me your mind -

I'll tell you what's on mine.

Candles

I can touch the box.
I can strike the match into a flame.
But it will take two to keep the flame alight.

Perché

Perché scrivo questo?

...perché voglio.

...perché posso.

...perché puoi leggerlo.

(...perché ho bisogno di faccio pratica l'italiano.)

Perché ho pensato sarebbe stata un'idea divertente.

Perché voglio scrivere in italiano più spesso

E ho bisogno di qualcuno,

Che può anche capire l'italiano.

Perché è interessante parlare in italiano a te.

Perché è importante a me accrescere le poesie italiane.

Perché mi piace scrivere in italiano.

È come una lingua secreta

(almeno per molte persone conosco).

Bandwagon for the Weird

Ima just throw this out:

I'm pretty weird.

I'm a little crazy.

I'm arguably sick in the head.

Example:

Most people don't play with sharp objects for fun.

Yes. For fun.

~They're not scary.~

~They're fascinating.~

~They're only a tool which I control~

Continue?

Most people don't hear something <objectively bad> and think,

"Oh I wonder what that would feel like, how that works".

And most people don't get around to testing that thought.

Most people wouldn't document their odd thoughts.

Most people hide their idiosyncrasies.

So yeah,

I'm weird.

I have odd thoughts.

And sometimes I bother acting on them.

But I am also:
Confident

Know what I want

A deep thinker

Able to plan consequences

And I love living my life,

However weird/odd/different.

Tutto nella Testa

Perché l’ho fatto?

Che cosa stavo pensando?

Non lo so.

Forse...

Era così

<Fallo.>

<Vuoi farlo.>

<È facile. Troppo facile, in realtà.>

E ora,

Eccomi qui,

Con le linee sul mio corpo.

<Non sei pazz*.>

<Fidi di me. Prometto...>

<Fida ti di me.>

<È solo curiosità.>

<Quando superi il limite,>

<Saprai.>

<Quello non lo era.>

Fire and Ice

I never know what to expect from you.

Cuz ever since we met you played fire and ice.

Flirt with me one day, disappear the next.

And I thought I was in the clear from games...

Guess girls are never easy.

So...

C'mon c'mon girl,

I'm ready to play.

I'll play your game because I know I will win.

Quick wits or clever stamina it doesn't matter because I'm committed.

Okay my turn to lead:

I can make your fire feel like mist.

I can make your ice feel like steam.

You'll never know which I'll play

Because at the end of the day I came to finish first.

So...

C'mon c'mon girl,

I'm ready to play.

I'll play your game because I know I will win.

Quick wits or clever stamina it doesn't matter because I'm committed.

Yeah, that's right

I came to finish first.

But don't worry, dear - just take the hit,
Because I'll make sure second place is worth it.

Butterflies

Hey you!

Yeah,

You over there.

I just gotta say...

...

Hi.

Oh shit where'd my voice go

Cuz all I could think about were the butterflies.

They're carrying me away

And I'm powerless to stop it.

Shackled here to the ground

But the butterflies win.

So please, take me away and lay me down in pieces.

Something Different

Hey, it's me.

I'm just standing around minding my business

But then you walk by and I feel my breath catch.

Oh yeah,

We've been friends since pre-K

So what's different?

There's no way I'm gay,

I just gotta say it.

So here it is:

I'm sure not gay.

Hey, it's me (again).

I was looking for a dance partner

And I noticed you were alone.

No way I'm gay

But may I have this dance?

Oh damn your eyes shine so bright.

I can't stop the tunnel vision,

So here's to what I gotta say:

I know it's okay to be gay.

Silence

Shatter.

Crumble.

Dissolve.

As quiet snaps into silence...

And time spins back into focus...

My body stops.

The race is over,

The run frozen.

And only alone's weight remains.

So it's time to melt

back into time...

back into space...

back into the inky abyss...

And hope sleep fuses the shattered silence into quiet.

Quiet

Racing and racing

and racing...

racing.

C'mon heart -

Slow down.

C'mon body -

get a grip.

Running and running

and running --

pause.

Wall.

Listen.

Walk.

Waiting and waiting

and waiting --

knock.

I stand there dumbstruck.

I listen and laugh and crack jokes.

I plug in to drown out the tingling buzz.

Together.

And suddenly everything slows.

Time is irrelevant.

Space is too much.

Gravity turns horizontal.

Everything quiets.

Always quiet.

Never silenced.

And I can see in the present.

Spineless

I feel like

My spine went missing

All of the sudden.

Things I Fear

Running out of time:

There’s too much I want to do.

There’s too little time to do it how I would like.

There’s a limit to my energy.

Isolation:

What will happen when I’m alone:

Will I stay in person mode?

Will I choose another headspace more frequently?

Will isolation hurt my psyche or reset it?

Vulnerability:

I'm very good at confidence.

I'm very good at pushing through discomfort.

I'm very good at not giving a fuck at what I can't control.

But I cannot function when I feel vulnerable.

I can teach myself out of feeling so.

I have to, after all.

Myself:

I am afraid to lose control.

...of my mind.

...of my emotions.

...of my body.

Because someone always gets hurts when that happens.

Tutto a Posto

Adesso è proprio vero.

Perché quando siamo insieme,

Va per il verso giusto.

Mi sento felice con te.

Tutti giorni penso a te.

E poi voglio essere

Insieme in carne ed ossa.

Ma non possiamo essere sempre insieme.

Triste.

Così ricordo tutto:

...quando prima te ho veduto.

...quando ci siamo incontrat*.

...quando siamo diventat* noi.

Come un corpo di fulmine.

Perché sei incredibile.

E ti amo.

Static

Electricity is funny.

It repels and attracts.

It creates fields

And shocks them when they grow too close.

Every time I walk past you.

Every time we touch.

Every time you're near.

There's always a static field.

Come break the static.

When you're ready,

I'll wait

For our charges to find common levels.

For our fields to link.

For the shock to start a spark.

Floating

Lets draw lines.

Close your eyes.

Let the line go as it pleases.

It may go square.

It may run in circles.

It may run every angle.

Let me draw lines around you.

I'll draw lines straight as circles.

They'll keep you floating

Off the paper.

<See the illusion?>

<My lines form a shadow.>

Keep drawing

My lines are coming true.

They're strings and I'm a puppet.

I'm floating,

And the lines direct my movements.

Walking

Let’s take a walk,

A walk through the mundane.

I’ll show you the path.

Look at the tree.

Look at the bushes.

Look at the puddle.

It snowed recently.

There’s ice over the puddles.

Don’t slip. 

Okay. 

Keep walking.

Look at the grass.

Look at the sky.

Feel the dirt under your feet.

Sorry.

Are you bored?

Yeah.

Me too kinda.